Ack!

Third attempt at writing my first journal entry here, a board I am so grateful is now on the forum...

I can't believe it is now already 6:25 PM in my part of the world.

I have been trying to clean my place all day, but it must have been about 40 C in my apartment all day, and of course my housing thinks giving me a Walmart fan, rather than repair ( after 6? 7? years) my A/C is good enough for me to endure my city's " Extreme Heat Warning" that began today, and is expected to last through hext week...

They also have yet to repair the screen in one of my two windows, both that open only about two inches, so little air from the impending thunderstorm that the wind and grey sky are promising...

I know a lot of people ( and animals) are afraid of thunderstorms, but I love them...the rolling thunder, cracks of lightening, the cleansing rains which remind me of my childhood on the Canadian prairies-one of the few things I miss about that place...

I actually often fall asleep to.the sounds of YouTube thunderstorms...

Anyway, I keep taking breaks, heading over to the park across my busy street, the company of ancient and strong maple trees providing wonderful shade, the little sparrows and robins hopping around...the butterfly gardens where I have been blessed to see Monarchs and other butterflies taking refuge, and the endangered honey bees drinking in the nectar of the lovely flowers...Surviving, Thriving...

I just got back a few minutes ago after sitting with a cheap McEvil black iced coffee until it just got too windy and although.humid. a little chilly.

Thank God it had also cooled down in my apartment.

Again, so grateful for.this section of the forum...I have journalled in pen and paper since I was a kid. My only space where I felt free to express my thoughts and feelings...until my mum would read my journals and get very angry with whatever I had written...and I never had the courage to stand up to her and tell her what a boundary she had crossed...I did not feel entitled or simply allowed to express my emotions...anywhere.

An ex of mine used to.read my journals and get angry too...

But, I continued to buy notebooks and pens, writing feverishly out of pure necessity...

However, a few years ago something strange and still frightening befell me...

My once impeccable handwriting became an illegible scrawl...utter chicken scratch.

And despite my desperate need to understand the why of this, mental health professionals have dismissed it...

One inpatient pyschiatrist told me," I don't know why your handwriting has deteriorated. I don't suspect it is caused by anything neurological "

So...here I am, babbling away in a rare moment of being awake enough to.type on this little phone as my laptop decided to stop working and right now can't afford a new one...

I keep trying to start topics here, but  but have just been so overly sedated with the titration of my pregablin that I can barely keep awake to write...

At the moment I am very anxious, feel.it right in my core, my heart weighed down by a thousand lb anvil on my chest, unable to stop clenching my jaw, needing to weep cathartic tears, but halted...feeling fearful, and this horrible sense that " something terrible is going to happen."

I just took my evening dose of buspirone and pray it soothes me.

It has proven to be a good med for me.

However it causes me the same maddening brain zaps a short while after taking it that are reminiscent of my long ago tapering off effexor...

When I first started taking the buspirone and told Dr.S ( my pyschiatrist and therapist) about the brain zaps he asked me if i felt it to be a " deal breaker" side effect, but I told him although they are annoying the benefits of this med outweigh this sude effect...

I am on the maximum dose now, and thank God have yet to build up a tolerance to it.

What else?

Maybe things to open up about here on the other boards of this forum, but if ok, would be so grateful if I could use this safe space to share and vent...as annoying and self absorbed as it may be...

Thank you for enduring this first entry if you have.

I will have a look around the rest of the forum now...

Love and Peace and Healing to you all.

❤️

 

 

 

 

 

 

Friday, 20 June, 2025

3:20 AM

Well, took my heavy cocktail of night meds at like 9 PM, and...they just didn't kick in. I have been wide awake all night, running on adrenaline. Tyding up, had a shower...tired now, but not at all sleepy.

My old...well, perhaps the mission church I have hesitantly apparently started to return to, feeling much conflicting feelings about it, but being lost without a church..

It opens at 5 AM, so just after 5 will catch the streetcar for the 10 minute ride there, kneel in my beautiful and peaceful chapel. Pray.

Not sure if there is a Liturgy this morning, but if so, it will begin at 7 AM. And it is easier on my anxiey as there are only a few people on Fridays.

But, speaking of my anxiety, this is what is the result of that adrenaline, and the early morning surge of cortisol inn this fractured head of mine...

I was granted a  random new fridge and put all my photos on magnets of my precious and sweet and clever kitty,Sam, whom I had to let go 3 years ago.

I have a very sweet photo of him curling up and sleeping in the bathroom sink!

He gave my 13 years if unconditional love, was very attached to me and I very attached to him

He was very special.❤️

There is absolutely no way I could adopt again...however still again seriously looking into being matched up with a service dog, for both mental  physical  needs.

I would appreciate my dog being  trained to recognise panic attacks, amd CPTSD triggers,like my dog standing between myself and a person who gets too close to my personal space...

I just dont think I could go through losing another animal...

Well, I'm tired, at nearly 4 AM, just over an hour before I can escape this depressing dump to a place of pesce and sanctuary.

Please know I am not trying to force my religion ( Orthodox Christianity) down your throats, and perhaps all this better to.be expressed on the spitiuamty board...

Its just at this hour, I am thinking faster than  I am typing.

I do not knoew what to do next...I suppose getting dressed for church would make me feel better...

Long day at the church...morning prayer, noon prayer And how I love to sing!), lunch. ..more time to.spend in The chapel...

And then ," Gospel espresso)...everyone gathers in a  big circle and someone ( feeling quite honoured as often myself.) Reads the Sunday Gospel, and the parish priest goes around the circle asking fur everyone's reflection on it...

There are so many people, and in a circle like that with my hearing impairment I cannot even hear anyone, not even Fr N, whom  is very soft spoken anyway...

But my fear..no, my. chronic state of TERROR, while my head protects  me with just...blotting everything out...

When it is my turn to share, I look at he floor, my heat races, I preface what I am about what I am able to.share, shaking with,"I may be way off  base but...This probably does not make any sense but..."

I self deprecate,cowerwhem faced with groups  of people...

But, anyway yes, will get dressed as it is nearly 4:24 AM!!!

Still dark here in the city, I guess you in the UK might still be peacefully sleeping, or having your breakfast ...

Thank you for reading if you have...sorry if my entry was at all Inappropriate for this journalling board...

( Tallking about my faith so much. It's just that this I had been weighing heavily on my mind, heart and soul...(

And with that, will spare you any more ( for now anyway. Oh how.lucky you-readers of my nonsense...)

Please everyone. Treat yourselves with all the compassion and self love all of you so deserve...

Blessings and love to all.

❤️

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi @Autumn75

I hope that you don't mind me replying to you. Just want to say I absolutely don't think you're pushing your faith on anyone, after all it is why I made the blog & journal part of the forum so you can write your feeling down. definitely no judgment from me.

@Lavender

Thank you for reading and replying, for your acceptance of my faith, often all that keeps me going.

Of course I would never force my beliefs on anyone .

I am grateful for this space indeed.

Hope you're ok.❤️

 

Saturday 21 June, 2025

7:46 AM

Good morning...( at least over here)

I have no idea when I fell asleep last might,but I checked my phone, and I had a text from..(.I will call him" M.", my??)

Well,.only friend, around 6:30 ish AM.

And checked my voicemail, a.message from I guess yesterday...had gone to the beautiful morning service, Orthros, and I sang!

But I am more confused than ever.

Something  happened to me at church h yesterday that I needI guess to post on the trauma board . I need to, but so exhausted still, eyes heavy and not focusing well...struggling to type o.n this little phone...

 

My parasomnias are out of contol.

This morning just before waking, heard myself crying to "Please let me wake up!"

I wanted out from a very vivid nightmare...it was all to real...

I made a coffee, turmeric and lemon water as I have no black pepper,thinking of going over to McEvil and sitting in the park for awhile.

Beneath my medicated drowsiness feel very anxious.

Really need to do some (Ugh my poor back) handwashimg of essentinals in my bl**dy bathtub as I can't afford to go to the laundromat...

Fascinating entry was it not?

Blessings all.

Autumn.

❤️

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Monday. 23 June, 2025

9:04 PM

It has been a long day...not that I accomplished much.

Just got back from McEvil and it isa lot cooler outside than in my place.

I have spent most of the day in the park, under maple trees, amid the clover...black iced coffees or toxic coke zero.

I had sent a text to my housing worker that it's hotter in my place than it is outside.

When she finally got back to me she saidsomething like. Just waiting on the contractor."

Um ..have been " waiting on the contractor " for like 6 years now, and last year she told me the part for my a/c was...no joke, stuck in China.

That's how cheap my slum lords are.

Anyway, I had had enough.

Remembered that my old pharmacist years ago now when I was still on chlorpromazine told me that the drug causes heat sensitivity and he was not thrille that my housing hadn't fixed my air conditioner..Said how important it is for keeping to keep cool...

So called my new pharmacist, and I asked him about the nozinan ( ancient, rarely used anymore AP that works well for me) that I have been in for a few months whether it too could cause heat sensitivity.

He looked it up, and said no, but that however my medsneed to be stored between20-30 C.

So.i texted my housing worker that.

I also had left a message for my pyschiatrist and as always he kindly returned my call.

I told him how hot it is in my place, and what my pharmacist had said, but he said, no, actually the medication you're onDOES cause heat sensitivity.

So I asked him if he would be willing g to write a letter stating that for medical reasons I require air conditioning.

He told me he would be happy to write a medical.note, and indeed typed it up as I was talking to him.

He really js an amazing doctor and therapist.

I am very lucky to have him.

Anyway, he emailed me the note and I forwarded it to my housing worker.

She didn't get back to me, but then I had to get.outta my oven.of an apartment and poor her she ran into me in the stair well.

She looked stressed out.

She said she forwarded my medical note to " management " but " waiting on the contractor "

Must be the cheapest laziest most incompetent " contractor " my housing could find, as usual.

She saidmany tenants are still without a/c, and I clearly recall her agreeing with me last summer that is a health issue.

I apologised that she had to get that letter, that I had been unsure of her manager's name otherwise would have cc'd them, but she told me its OK, the letter will help her advocate for me.

I really feel empowered that I did not keep quiet about this, slinked away, afraid of authority as I always am.

I just want to not be in agony in my own place...cold showers and stupid Walmart fan they got me thinking that would be good enough for me.

I don't know how much ammunition Dr.S.S' letter will be, however back in April whenmy asthma came out of a 20 year remission and I had to be hospitalised, I told the doctors that there was( likely still is) mould in my apartment andthe doctor wrote a stern note which made them move quickly to...yes, send in more " contractors" whom ended up ransacking my place , leaving me to sweep up ( and with my asthma bl**dy inhale) drywall dust..

Anyway, forgive me, rambling again...

I wish I could still wrote legibly long hand, I so miss my notebooks and pens, so so do appreciate this space to vent and process...

My housing worker sayd,"Well we just got rid of your portable one..."

( Thry gave sone portable one about 3 or 4 yead ago thst I reminded her has NEVER even worked.

I feel bad for her.

Bjt, I am a livid at " management ".. thry sure want your bl**dy rent on time of course.

I dm t know if they will take a doctor's letter more seriously ( expiedently, notmy bl**dy next January...)

I was surprised she didn't tell me to well, store your medication in your fridge."

How now the situation is more dire, coming from Dr.S..

I have noticed I am more light headed, don't feel very well except when the eveningsOUTSIDE are alot more bearable, but can̈t really stay in the park all night, and McEvil had abig warning sign" 30 minite seating g,We will be patrolling"

So disgusting as homeless people take cool refuge there, with enough change fo at least a coffee...

I hate spending money there, bur the better of than the new cafes charge like 6/7 bucks for a coffee around here...

So mlw, have taken my night meds, but no idea if this will be another night they wo ny kick in again..insomnia, , nightmares,parasomnias...all have have plaiged me since i was a kid.. however early this morning., woke up...sort of, eas half asleep talking away, found myself having g walked into a wall by my bed...can't ever recall sleep walking, acting outmy dreams...

Didn't check the time. Just crashed into a deep sleep again until whatever time I woke up...and headed of course.,over to McEvil, sat in the park....

I expect will end up there early tomorrow morning.

I haven't eaten all day.

Now the closet store open is a long dangerous walk away, and mostly " junk"...know not supposed to label foods " good and bad", but thats meant for the ED board...

I am considering going down the block for a pizza with that terrible vegan cheese ( I am fasting from milk, meat and cheese for the Apostle's Fast...not too terribly tough to do given I rarely eat dairy and haven't eaten meat fjr years, the toughest part of the fast with my fatigue a d scattered mind is increasing my prayer life...i am not doing so well with that. )

Things with my ex,now apparently present relationship are going well, well butI am still confused and bewildered...

Ok...guess pizza, non dairy cheese is calling me...

Better go before they close...

Ed 'voice " already berating me about " bad" carbohydrates...

But...going to listen to my body.

So more than enough for now.

Thank you for reading If you have...

*Oh...sorry somehow I neglected to hit post last night, since this was saved will post it now. A new day, another already awful hot, humid, and sunny morning...

Please forgive typos....I really need to buy a new laptop, so hard to type on this little phone...

Turesday 24 June, 2025

9:34 AM

Ugh...sorry didn't post my last entry last night...didn't realise I hadn't hit post...wanted to share my day yesterday and haven't it in me to re write it...

Anyway, my meds ended up knocking me put maybe around 11 ish PM?

I skept blessedly solidly through the night and I recall no nightmares, no intense dreams meant for daily psychoanalysis...

I woke up with a start.

Terribly hot in my place.

So outside now ( again)...McEvil black iced coffee. McEvil so crowded with constructive workers buying coffee and disgusting sausage egg mcmuffins...

My battery is at 11%.

Sodrowsy last night neglected to change my phone so do need to return THERE in a bit.

Cold shower.

Point the stupid Walmart fan at myself, languish...

I just took my morning meds and already have brain zaps from my buspirone.

Bit it's ok, i can endure the brain zaps, buspirone has been a beautiful drug fur my GAD..thank God I have yet to build up a tolerance to it...

I did go down the street to get pizza last night...very stupid to go out on my street just befure midnight...oh guess thst means I fell asleep after 11...

Oh my pregablin brain!

Anyway, always find myself wishing I had a pit bull or rottweiler to protect me when i go out at night.

.Of course even in this park with the tennis courts l, in broad daylight have been accosted here..

Just thethe other day I was sitting on one of the park benches and some guy sat down next to me, startedtelling me his life story ( I listened! Again, ir must be my fault for trying to be a decent human being) Anyway he started to try and guess my ethnic background and eneded up trying to convert me to his religion.

With that I got up and left.What's wrongwith me? What is written on my forehead?

And if you give them the cold shoulder thry call you a b***...

I'm sorry to babble on boringly about nothing new...

The horrible June sunshine, even before noon when it is high in the sky is pummeling me...

I am almost put of sunscreen and can't afford t8 buy more until Monday.

I am very fair skinned, I am afraid of ageing...

My...boyfriend I guess, again, "M" gets in my cade about how I slather sunscreen all over me. Says Jr's toxic. And maybe so, but...

Whatever...

Ok...Phone at 5%...am " hone" moe, will charge it a bit now.

And time for another cold shower...

Sending you all healing and love.

Thank you for reading if you have.❤️ ugh sorry for mote stupid typos!!! No energy to fix them all, do hope this was somewhat coherent....

Wednesday 25 June, 2025

4:55 AM

Good morning from Canada everyone...

Slept solidly until, as usual, a strange early morning...

I was dreaming...sonething.

Can't remember it now, but do remember talking, whining in my twighlight sleep about the heat...

So certain my 6 AM went off and that I turned it off, thinking it was 6 AM...as I woke up a little more, although eyes still heavy with medicated sleep, looked at my phone, it was around. Quarter to four?

I stepped under a cold shower, filledmy water filter jug with cold water made a coffee, and poureda glass of lemon and turmeric water..

Went outside, out back with my coffee, hoping for a cool breeze, but none, very humid...smoggy air a shroud over the evil filthy city...

Anyway, sciatica bad right now ..dawn is dawning....ought to walk a little if I can...

Healing and Love to all of you.

❤️

Friday 27 June, 2025

4:34 PM

Hello, all...

Have attempted to write an entry here for a couple days,but the heat, my sciatic pain, my fatigue...anxiety.

Thank God it has been overcast and rainy and blessedly cooler the past two days.

Been slightly cooler in my place, but only one window with a screen that only opens a crack, so not much cool air has been able to circulate in my " home"...

I am outside again, McEvil black iced coffee next to me, sun came out, with ny dread, and here I am again under the shade of a majestic maple tree.

Two dogs are barking at one another.

I feel like all I can do is to escape THAT PLACE as it is such a depressing dump.

I tried very hard to clean my bathroom but as I told J., my supportive housing worker, I can't manage the simplest of house hold tasks apart from maybe doing my dishes, wiping my " kitchen" counter down.

Even lifting the trash bag outta the can is too hard on my back.

She was supposed to come help me,"Until homeccare will help."

I have a feeling the waiting list for government funded homecare is bl**dy ten years long.

By then they will have shipped me off to some even more depressing and deplorable nursing home.

I was thinking, as I often have,( forgive me I suppose I am feeling sorry for myself.) yesterday,"I will never own my own home"

Of course, I am luckier than those on the streets in my city who have nowhere at all to go.

I just hate my building now, hate my run down apartment where I have been since after running to the streets from my ab*sive ex in 07.

So much has deteriorated where I live.

"Maintenance "?

They don't maintain anything.

All J. Can do is forward more and more bl**dy " work orders" for everything that needs to be done in my place.

A whole year ago.she told me I am entitled to have my place painted every ten years.

She put in a " request to " management ".

A painter with paint has yet to materialize so I am about ready to shell out hundreds of dollars I don't have to hire my boyfriend's painter friend who, will " give you a deal."

I'm sorry.

I feel so...weighted down right now.

I have little cash right now andthe small limit on my credit card is maxed out.

Thank God I get my disability on the 30th.

Anyway, around lunchtime I found myself feeling ( scary for me, still far from recovered mentally from my anorexia.) hungry...all I had in the house was some strawberries, couple lemons..

So,headed to my old mission church where just last week I had, with great reservations nearly decided to return to.

I love my old priest there, but...I don't know how honest he is.

But this little mission church does lot of good, even though I remain suspicious of how much money they actually have.

But, they do feed and clothe the poor.

( With a lot of government and community support.)

I just also don't trust their ideology, and while some people greet me warmly, others, like today when I bit the bullet and went around 1 to have lunch, feeling like a horrible hypocrite, well one woman who has for the most part treated me with a very un Christian like coldness, turned and looked at me and gave me a really dirty look.

I ate...even the bl**d sugar spiking white rice. A bit of sourdough dipped in my vegetarian soup, grilled mushrooms and cauliflower, salad thankfully not drenched in sugary dressing...

Fr N sat at the table with me, he said he had been thinking about me today and asked if I had gotten his message...clued out I told him Yes I emailed you back.

He said he didn't get it, and that he had left me a voicemail, and then I remembered and said,Oh, I didn't press 5 to get your number, I'm sorry.He didn't say much to me, except to shake his head that my building has yet to give me working a/c.

He was busy talking low to a man about the business of the place, and it was crowded and noisy and I felt like I was suffocating, as I often do there.

Don't get me wrong, I was grateful for the meal.

And later, talking to M ( my boyfriend) I told him he was going to think me a huge hypocrite, criticising that church and then going for a free meal...butthen I said that I have given them a lot of money, food, and flowers for the chapel.over the past 5 years.. and I hardly ever ate there.( Well, I was deep in the quicksand of anorexia nervosa for a few years...)

Anyway, I guess I could have/should have asked Fr.N.if he had time to chat over coffee, but...even though I had written him a rather emotive desperate email asking him to answer my questions, counsel me, I changed my mind...feeling a strange sickness of distrust rise up in me...

For a long time now,M has been asking me, well...pushing me, to come to his church, meet his " really really nice "priest ..

Saturdays the Liturgy is in English, and he told me last week he had told his priest about me, and that I am " shy" * M doesn't even try to understand that because of my anxiety and my social anxiety which is bordering on social phobia now situations terrify me.But that has his priest said apparentlyhe us " eager" to meet me.

Well he asked me again today, And I brightly and firmly said,Yes!,but that I want to get there right at 9 when the Liturgy begins even though he usually goes late...he stays up all night, has trouble waking up in the morning.

I told him I will take my night meds early since I have been sleeping through my alarm most days thanks to the titration of my pregablin which I still have mixed feelings about staying on...

At the moment my anxiety over Something New is low in the background...how I long to go to a good church.

But my OCD has my head churning up worst case scenarios...that I will embarrass him somehow.

I tend to Avoid.

A d the avoidance only keafs to stagnation and depression.

...Ok.

I am back in my " home" now, I can't believe it'safter 6.

My pharmacy's delivery guy just showed up with my 3 days of meds in the blister pack.

Not hungry for dinner.

Even if I was, all I can afford isa can of beans and I can't manage walking to the store now.

Feet k***ing me.

So tired.

Maybe pop my night meds soon.

Wake up in the middle of the night as I used to.

My body is crying out for rest.

Dreading the weekend here in this slum, next to affluent neighbours with expensive patio furniture, fear " nice" weather and them obnoxiously partying loudly all night.

I think I will pour a glass of turmeric and lemon water and pop my night meds.

I can't cope with the endless daylight any longer and want to wake up early to...gulp...go with M to his church in the morning.

Hopefully he will wake up early too.

With that, I will spare you all any more of my dull dull life..and my lack of a single positive thought.

Church usually uplifts me.

Pray it will be true of tomorrow.

Sending you all love and serenity.🩷🐇

Saturday 28 June, 2025

4:31 AM

Well, Good morning from Canada everyone...

Yes, an early morning.

Think I have been up for about an hour or so.

It took awhile last might for my meds t9 kick in, but around 9 ish PM I found s myself very sleepy, to the pointt where I could not fight sleep out of fear.I have alread6 taken my morning meds, alreadythe brain zaps have set in.

I am anxious. Yet detached all at once.

I hope andpray M s churci is as welcoming and non jjudgemental as be says it is.

Well tine to charge my phone

Ought to have plugged it last night whenI to bed...

I know I am doing something good for myself today, but..

I am as terrified of the Something New as I was at age 6...

Anyway, enough for now.

Blessings all.

🩷🪻🦜🌿🌸🐈🐳🦢🐋☕️🌼🦔🐤🐘🌻

🇨🇦

Saturday 28 June, 2025

10:37 PM

I had a rough day today, but I guess spent a great deal of it in the oblivion of medicated sleep.

I was supposed to have gone to church with M.

I was up and ready quite early.

I had told him that I really wanted to get there as soon as the Liturgy starts at 8 AM.

I know he has a really hard time waking up early in the morning, even for church, but this was really important to me.

It would have somehow lessened my anxiety if we were among the first to arrive not walk into a place crammed with a hundred people.

I had triedto convey how important this was to me, and he could have gone to bed earlier.(It isn'tit like he has insomnia -he can sleep anywhere anytime.)

Anyway he had told me to no call him.at 7 or anything so I waited ubtil l7 :45.

No answer.

Left text gifs.

Wouldn't wake up.

I got completely fed up and needed to badly escape THIS PLACE,so of course where to go but McEvil and then the park

I was so irritable.

That oppressive sunshine stated to b**t on down on me, it was getting hotter.

I came back HERE, and the heat was unbearable.

I just read yesterday that my disability will pay for an air conditioner if you.have letter from a doctor.

So sick of dealing g wirh this, and year and year after year...

Lousy slumlords.

Biut here I was, " home".

And M finally called

Didn't apologise to me or anything just said ,yeah, I sleptreally late

Grrrrrr...

He said he would makeme foood, bring it over, do some of my laundry unless his bag with the wheels was broken, then we could get a pizza again.

I know that all sounds very nice, but in the heat I did not feel like sorting my laundry ..was,ashamed to say it-RAGING.

He said he'dcall me back, and bratty as it may have been, I ignored 3 of his calls...

By then I think.it was around 3 PM ish...

And I then, I didsomething I have not done since inpatient-I popped my night meds, not beingable to cope with the still endless hours of daylight, my rage..

You see , my new friends, ( and I hope I will not be judged ) I have had a long struggle with ab*sing my prescribed medication...

Thehospital got my med schedule back on track and my OP pyschiatrist and therapist Dr.S was pleased I had been doing so well since my admission with being med " compliant "...

But today I had to..escape.

I discovered my stupid period had started and I thought to myself,come on! I am nearly 50!!

And then wondering whether my out of whack hormones are affecting my mood ..Have had no physical perimenpausal symptoms.

Anyway GP appointment ont the 10th. The day before that birthday...

NoeNow t10 minues before a brandnew day, and I find myself still anxious, now have decided. to go to the little church I went to last Sunday where there werewarm and welcoming people as well the hurtful literally closed circle of people eating right behind me.

Is M.rigjt. all the guys whom havee told me this over that e years am.I "" just too sensitive "?

The Church's priest was away last Sunday, so it was a reader' service.

I will have a chance (I hope) to meet the priest.

I do not want to go pray at my old church.

Aga8n thank God getting my disability in my account t tomorrow at midnight.

So broke.

Need to pay off some of my credit card, pay my ambulance bill, etc etc etc..

I pray I will be eligible for an air conditioner...theycertainly hide all the benefits you ate entitled to...

It is Sunday now. At 12:04 AM.

Peace and Blessings to you all.

🩷🐈🐳🐋🪻🦜🦆🦋🐦🦔🌼

🇨🇦 🍁

🕊

Hi @Autumn75

Just want to to know that I do read your blogs.

Did you know that we now have a blog system. up to you of course if you would rather post here.

https://mentalhaven.co.uk/index.php?/blogs/

Tuesday, 1 July, 2025

Canada Day 🇨🇦🍁

10:14 AM

Hello again everyone...

I have been up for something like 2 hours.

Had another I believe powerfully meaningful dream again, only recall snap shots.

Had breakfast, took my meds, which soothed me for awhile, but now I am feeling terribly anxious and trapped again.

I will hopefully be able to have two more physican's letters to my slum lords demanding that for medical reasons I REQUIRE a/c.

I am having the worst time of it " living " THERE.

I do not know what to do with this anxiety right now.

I could try painting, but so hypercritical with myself I just get frustrated andmore anxious.

A very abstract mixture of colours following my emotions would be the best I could do but...oh but, but, but...

My half century birthday looms..it is in just ten days from now.

M. keeps asking what I want to do...finally said, Little Italy, pasta, red wine, gelato,espresso...

I dunno.

I feel afraid for my future.

I never thought I'd make it to age 30.

...I hope and pray I will soon be able to get some homecare.

I have to get a lot of laundry done, gotta mop and am completely unable to.

I need to listen to Byzantine hymns to soothe myself....

Do....something.

Anyway, I'll stop now...have a look around the forum.

A thousand blessings to you all.🩷🕊🇨🇦🍁

On 6/29/2025 at 7:00 AM, Lavender said:

Wednesday 2 July 2025

8:56 AM

Good morning from Canada everyone...

I dunno what's with my erratic sleep patterns.

Two nights in a row I fell asleep easily and then last night tossed and turned for ages.

My head started in on me.

Looping thoughts, worries, choices, decisions, random nonsensical intrusive thoughts...

A nd finally fell asleep, woke myself talking again, it was around 7:30.ish maybe.

I had a full breakfast.

ED " voice" berating me, screaming at me that everything is " bad for you" is " gonna make you f*t"

I pushed through though.

Took my.meds, buspirone brain zaps again.

Can't really easily define how I am feeling right now, abd I am.sick to d**th of years of " Feelings Wheels "...

I just mean...I do not feel a sense of emptiness right now.

I definitely haven't had enough coffee.

I just...as I saideven in insomnia and nightmares, I am struggling wirh this way or that...

I have such a tough time making the simplest of decisions.

I tend to allow others to do so for me, then if whatever it is ends up being a bad decision I am.resentful, angry...

I feel. .

Oh I FEEL I FEEL I FEEL!!!

Anyway, other boards on this forum I ought to take advantage of about all I speak of here...

I just desperately need to let my feelings( whatever they might be ..) out somwhere...

Thank you for reading if you have.

Love and Peace and Healing to you all.

🩷🌿🕊

Thursday 3 July, 2025

1:30 PM

Alternately sipping coffee and turmeric and lemon water.

It is another brutally hot day.

Thank God Dr.S ' letter scared my slumlords to fix my a/c...they didn't replace the ancient thing, too cheap...they supposedly fixed it exceot that it still makes clunking sounds.

And oh, they knocked over a beautiful antique lamp M gave me and it broke.

Told J ( supportive housing worker)

She said she'd take a picture of it and reimburse me.

At least it is cooler in here thanks be to God.

I have so much laundry to do.

But too hot and sunny and humid to drag it to the laundromat.

Will sort it, try and go tomorrow when they open in the morning and it will hopefully be cooler.

Instead, since it is cooler in here I will tidy up.

( As much as my sciatica will permit me)

I need to get groceries though so will have to venture out into my most loathed season.

I still want to move to Canada's far north.

Food is very expensive up there, and dunno if I could cope with the time of year when it is light out 24/7...

Likely not to have a pyschiatrist or therapist or even my meds up there.

I dunno, just fantasising all the time about escaping this evil filthy city.

I can't grow old here, I cant-

A few weeks ago I found myself frantically searching for "the cheapest places to live in Canada "

Newfoundland and Labradour apparently, and even searched apartment listing's...well, um.." cheapest " places start at 900 bucks a month.

People online asking about moving there were warned of the rainy cold weather( which would suit me fine), rhe nepotism, strongly suggesting one has a job lined up, ( yeah, like I will ever be able to work again...) a nd to make sure you actually go thete to look at places, as there are a lot if scanners posting apartment listings-rhey take your rent, and when you arrive, the apartment does not exist...

I moved to a different province when I was 19, desperate to escapemy " family"....at 19 years old, the Big City was bewildering at first, bjt I felt the wingsof freedom finally.

Had very good friends whom I miss terribly.

We are all spread out across the country now.

Text one of my best friends still, and and email an ex of mine who treated me like garbage,quickly married someone else shortly after dumping me.

He lived in Japan for many years, and is happier there than in in Canada and plans to go back.

He emails me at Christmas avd my birthday which us just a few days before his. .he emails me when he hasn't heard from me in a long time, worried about me...

I have forgiven him, he has forgiven me. ( I put him through h**l with my maddness)...

I have lost touchwith my female friends-well, one friend I had to c*t ties with because she was calling me drunk all the time and even though I never tried to force MY beliefs on HER, she'd rant at me about my faith, she's an atheist, she wouldn't leave me alone about it...

Anyway, I am.. lonely.

I have M. But needing desperately the connection of a good female friend.

Well, it's getting close to 3 PM...how did it get so late?

Feeling ( scary still) hunger cues right now...I have yet to eat today.

And speaking of that...need to post on the ED board I think....very triggering comment today...

But....should eat.

All I have in the house is a lemon.

Will go get hummus and crackers, berries ( good for pain)...

Oh how I dread going intothat oppressive sunshine and heat...

Sorry for such a boring entry...

Love and Peace and Healing to you all.

❤️🌿🕊

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