Posted June 13Jun 13 Hello all... So, I mentioned in my intro that I have " lived" with anorexia nervosa b/p subtype since age 11 when I entered a professional ballet school.( As you can imagine, there in the deceptively beautiful world of ballet I was surrounded by eating disorders.) ( Addiction, self harm, and other horrible things as well in that truly dark world which has made me avoid watching ballet for over two decades...even the Swan and Nutcracker billboards at streetcar stops make me feel an intensely sour angry expression fall across my countenance...) At just 11, I was not consciously trying to lose weight-I was naturally small, the smallest in my class, but I developed a very disordered relationship with food... ( Before dementia tragically struck my mum she would always say she believed my ED began at 18 months old, when she would sit me on the counter, desperately trying to get me to eat-anything...but I would apparently say,"No!", and clamp my mouth shut..won't say what I weighed in kindergarten but again, smallest in my class...) So...( Sorry for digressing), fast forward to today, less than a month before my 50th birthday and after 3 stints in IP and two in IOP I am finally weight restored. But..not at all eating as I was taught in treatment. I often break their rule of not going x hours without eating. My hunger cues are all over the place. I had gotten rid of the wretched scale a year ago, but recently ran out and bought a new one and of course was horrified at the number...so, in an obvious response to the stress I have been under in my life, and that old familiar word," control", and the luring "voice" of my ED, I really slipped, beginning on my second last day in hospital ( mental health unit)...I ended up having a fall and sprained my ankle... And then, started eating again...hid that evil scale somewhere...but I am by no means" gung ho recovery " right now, I just know I need to try...I was very ill when I was last admitted to an EDU... I ended up in a wheelchair. I have had serious health scares, so many concussions from falls... My hard core IP therapist told me that statistically, due to how long I have been sick, and how many times in and out of treatment, my chance of ever reaching " solid recovery " would be, pardon the terrible " pun" " slim"... And just a couple weeks ago my pyschiatrist/therapist told me, ( always honest with him) that," I think your eating disorder will always be with you. It can only be managed." So all this is so disheartening. Anyway, I am no longer dangerously emaciated. But the day before yesterday when my best friend/confusing romantic entanglement insisted on taking me to a thrift store and buying me...ugh NEW JEANS... (I did need some, as I said, put on weight, didn't even know nor want to know my waist size...) Anyway, I hate shopping with a passion, while he loves to simply browse...pulled off a couple pairs of nice jeans...and I went into the tiny curtained change room, with a horrible fun house mirror, wanted to fall apart at how I look, felt sick that the jeans were too tight, he brought me two more pairs which I dutifully tried on-they seemed to fit in the store, but wearing them now, they are a little big on me... He bought me the jeans, a Nova Scotia t shirt, and I told him enough, had to get out of that place, evilly comparing myself with great shame to the young woman in her mid riff revealing shirt, that " perfect" flat stomach i had just a year ago ,and the shroud of depression descended over my head... Well, if you suffer from any ED, you must understand how I felt.. Yet still, my friend or whatever I am to him, asked me his usual," What do you want to eat?" "X or x?" "Um..ok. "X".. So we went to this chain here in Canada ( "A&W) And they had something vegetarian so I said ok will get that... But, he didn't order anything, which sent me into a state of terror and sinful anger that he wasn't having anything. He told me he ate before. I finished it. Went " home "...(my home is not a HOME for various reasons which is a topic for another board here sorry) I didn't eat dinner. Actually I have no food in my place...right now have no kitchen...(Again, long story) and, I am broke. So yesterday around lunchtime went to a drop in for the marginalised in my community and they were very kind and welcoming...all they had left were vegan sandwiches which I was very grateful for... But then, a volunteer approached me, had noticed I had never been there before, told me about their drop in hours, meals, clothing bank etc...a good place.. But..this lady actually POINTED TO MY ABDOMEN and asked me, ARE YOU PREGNANT?!? I was mortified. But instead of telling her straight up that I am in recovery from,anorexia, which two years ago.no joke, almost k***ed me, and that when you gain weight during and after treatment for most people, that weight goes straight to your abdomen..it is your body's way of rushing to protect your organs, well...it js RUDE to ask ANYwoman," Are you pregnant?" But instead I laughed. Incredulous. And said "Uh,NO!! I am almost 50!" And of course, she didn't believe me. Nobody ever does. Even had a paramedic once looked at my healthcard and asked me,"Is this your correct birth date?" Yes, look young for my age... Met my friend later for coffee, I was annoying with my lamenting being mistaken for a young pregnant woman, very concious of that one area of my body I DESPISE... And now I feel like hiding under very large t shirts... Or even worse... Going back to heavily restricting. Stepping back on that scale...engaging in other behaviours. I feel deeply ashamed. Sad, anxious. Don't want to be seen in public. I hate myself so much, and it extends far past my body image...I just am such a horrible wretch... I am so sorry for rambling on and on...this just seems like a safe space to share my struggle... Sorry as well, for such a negative post. I do SO encourage all of you, with whatever ED you are afflicted with, whatever age you are...please dont give up. Seek help...treat yourselves with compassion. And do something nice for yourselves today. You are all of value Please believe that. Thank you for reading this novel if you have. Blessings to you all.
June 13Jun 13 17 minutes ago, Autumn75 said: Hello all... So, I mentioned in my intro that I have " lived" with anorexia nervosa b/p subtype since age 11 when I entered a professional ballet school.( As you can imagine, there in the deceptively beautiful world of ballet I was surrounded by eating disorders.) ( Addiction, self harm, and other horrible things as well in that truly dark world which has made me avoid watching ballet for over two decades...even the Swan and Nutcracker billboards at streetcar stops make me feel an intensely sour angry expression fall across my countenance...) At just 11, I was not consciously trying to lose weight-I was naturally small, the smallest in my class, but I developed a very disordered relationship with food... ( Before dementia tragically struck my mum she would always say she believed my ED began at 18 months old, when she would sit me on the counter, desperately trying to get me to eat-anything...but I would apparently say,"No!", and clamp my mouth shut..won't say what I weighed in kindergarten but again, smallest in my class...) So...( Sorry for digressing), fast forward to today, less than a month before my 50th birthday and after 3 stints in IP and two in IOP I am finally weight restored. But..not at all eating as I was taught in treatment. I often break their rule of not going x hours without eating. My hunger cues are all over the place. I had gotten rid of the wretched scale a year ago, but recently ran out and bought a new one and of course was horrified at the number...so, in an obvious response to the stress I have been under in my life, and that old familiar word," control", and the luring "voice" of my ED, I really slipped, beginning on my second last day in hospital ( mental health unit)...I ended up having a fall and sprained my ankle... And then, started eating again...hid that evil scale somewhere...but I am by no means" gung ho recovery " right now, I just know I need to try...I was very ill when I was last admitted to an EDU... I ended up in a wheelchair. I have had serious health scares, so many concussions from falls... My hard core IP therapist told me that statistically, due to how long I have been sick, and how many times in and out of treatment, my chance of ever reaching " solid recovery " would be, pardon the terrible " pun" " slim"... And just a couple weeks ago my pyschiatrist/therapist told me, ( always honest with him) that," I think your eating disorder will always be with you. It can only be managed." So all this is so disheartening. Anyway, I am no longer dangerously emaciated. But the day before yesterday when my best friend/confusing romantic entanglement insisted on taking me to a thrift store and buying me...ugh NEW JEANS... (I did need some, as I said, put on weight, didn't even know nor want to know my waist size...) Anyway, I hate shopping with a passion, while he loves to simply browse...pulled off a couple pairs of nice jeans...and I went into the tiny curtained change room, with a horrible fun house mirror, wanted to fall apart at how I look, felt sick that the jeans were too tight, he brought me two more pairs which I dutifully tried on-they seemed to fit in the store, but wearing them now, they are a little big on me... He bought me the jeans, a Nova Scotia t shirt, and I told him enough, had to get out of that place, evilly comparing myself with great shame to the young woman in her mid riff revealing shirt, that " perfect" flat stomach i had just a year ago ,and the shroud of depression descended over my head... Well, if you suffer from any ED, you must understand how I felt.. Yet still, my friend or whatever I am to him, asked me his usual," What do you want to eat?" "X or x?" "Um..ok. "X".. So we went to this chain here in Canada ( "A&W) And they had something vegetarian so I said ok will get that... But, he didn't order anything, which sent me into a state of terror and sinful anger that he wasn't having anything. He told me he ate before. I finished it. Went " home "...(my home is not a HOME for various reasons which is a topic for another board here sorry) I didn't eat dinner. Actually I have no food in my place...right now have no kitchen...(Again, long story) and, I am broke. So yesterday around lunchtime went to a drop in for the marginalised in my community and they were very kind and welcoming...all they had left were vegan sandwiches which I was very grateful for... But then, a volunteer approached me, had noticed I had never been there before, told me about their drop in hours, meals, clothing bank etc...a good place.. But..this lady actually POINTED TO MY ABDOMEN and asked me, ARE YOU PREGNANT?!? I was mortified. But instead of telling her straight up that I am in recovery from,anorexia, which two years ago.no joke, almost k***ed me, and that when you gain weight during and after treatment for most people, that weight goes straight to your abdomen..it is your body's way of rushing to protect your organs, well...it js RUDE to ask ANYwoman," Are you pregnant?" But instead I laughed. Incredulous. And said "Uh,NO!! I am almost 50!" And of course, she didn't believe me. Nobody ever does. Even had a paramedic once looked at my healthcard and asked me,"Is this your correct birth date?" Yes, look young for my age... Met my friend later for coffee, I was annoying with my lamenting being mistaken for a young pregnant woman, very concious of that one area of my body I DESPISE... And now I feel like hiding under very large t shirts... Or even worse... Going back to heavily restricting. Stepping back on that scale...engaging in other behaviours. I feel deeply ashamed. Sad, anxious. Don't want to be seen in public. I hate myself so much, and it extends far past my body image...I just am such a horrible wretch... I am so sorry for rambling on and on...this just seems like a safe space to share my struggle... Sorry as well, for such a negative post. I do SO encourage all of you, with whatever ED you are afflicted with, whatever age you are...please dont give up. Seek help...treat yourselves with compassion. And do something nice for yourselves today. You are all of value Please believe that. Thank you for reading this novel if you have. Blessings to you all. Thank you for opening up and sharing your story It takes so much courage to be this honest and vulnerable and it really shows how strong you are even when it may not feel like it Recovery from something as complex as an eating disorder is never easy or straightforward What you’re going through is valid and understandable especially given everything you’ve faced over the years You’re allowed to feel overwhelmed discouraged and frustrated That doesn’t take away from the progress you’ve made or the strength you carry Please know that you’re not alone Even in your lowest moments there are people who care and who want to see you thrive It’s okay to have tough days and it’s okay to reach out when things feel heavy You deserve kindness support and compassion including from yourself You are not a burden or a wretch You are a human being who has survived a lot and is still here still fighting and that’s something to hold onto Sending warmth and care your way Keep going even if all you can do today is breathe and hold on.
June 13Jun 13 Author 6 minutes ago, Lavender said: Thank you for opening up and sharing your story It takes so much courage to be this honest and vulnerable and it really shows how strong you are even when it may not feel like it Recovery from something as complex as an eating disorder is never easy or straightforward What you’re going through is valid and understandable especially given everything you’ve faced over the years You’re allowed to feel overwhelmed discouraged and frustrated That doesn’t take away from the progress you’ve made or the strength you carry Please know that you’re not alone Even in your lowest moments there are people who care and who want to see you thrive It’s okay to have tough days and it’s okay to reach out when things feel heavy You deserve kindness support and compassion including from yourself You are not a burden or a wretch You are a human being who has survived a lot and is still here still fighting and that’s something to hold onto Sending warmth and care your way Keep going even if all you can do today is breathe and hold on. Oh bless you! Thank you so much for not judging me, for validating me...no, every time I am told zi am " strong" or "resilient " I feel bewildered, but your perspective helps a lot. And that you would right away reach back to me with such beautiful kindness is such a gift to me right now. Yes...to get through this day, " Take things day by day." As my pyschiatrist always says...I am always anxiously extrapolating worst case scenarios of the future..guess that's a game my OCD likes to play with my head... Thank you so much.
June 13Jun 13 5 hours ago, Autumn75 said: Hello all... So, I mentioned in my intro that I have " lived" with anorexia nervosa b/p subtype since age 11 when I entered a professional ballet school.( As you can imagine, there in the deceptively beautiful world of ballet I was surrounded by eating disorders.) ( Addiction, self harm, and other horrible things as well in that truly dark world which has made me avoid watching ballet for over two decades...even the Swan and Nutcracker billboards at streetcar stops make me feel an intensely sour angry expression fall across my countenance...) At just 11, I was not consciously trying to lose weight-I was naturally small, the smallest in my class, but I developed a very disordered relationship with food... ( Before dementia tragically struck my mum she would always say she believed my ED began at 18 months old, when she would sit me on the counter, desperately trying to get me to eat-anything...but I would apparently say,"No!", and clamp my mouth shut..won't say what I weighed in kindergarten but again, smallest in my class...) So...( Sorry for digressing), fast forward to today, less than a month before my 50th birthday and after 3 stints in IP and two in IOP I am finally weight restored. But..not at all eating as I was taught in treatment. I often break their rule of not going x hours without eating. My hunger cues are all over the place. I had gotten rid of the wretched scale a year ago, but recently ran out and bought a new one and of course was horrified at the number...so, in an obvious response to the stress I have been under in my life, and that old familiar word," control", and the luring "voice" of my ED, I really slipped, beginning on my second last day in hospital ( mental health unit)...I ended up having a fall and sprained my ankle... And then, started eating again...hid that evil scale somewhere...but I am by no means" gung ho recovery " right now, I just know I need to try...I was very ill when I was last admitted to an EDU... I ended up in a wheelchair. I have had serious health scares, so many concussions from falls... My hard core IP therapist told me that statistically, due to how long I have been sick, and how many times in and out of treatment, my chance of ever reaching " solid recovery " would be, pardon the terrible " pun" " slim"... And just a couple weeks ago my pyschiatrist/therapist told me, ( always honest with him) that," I think your eating disorder will always be with you. It can only be managed." So all this is so disheartening. Anyway, I am no longer dangerously emaciated. But the day before yesterday when my best friend/confusing romantic entanglement insisted on taking me to a thrift store and buying me...ugh NEW JEANS... (I did need some, as I said, put on weight, didn't even know nor want to know my waist size...) Anyway, I hate shopping with a passion, while he loves to simply browse...pulled off a couple pairs of nice jeans...and I went into the tiny curtained change room, with a horrible fun house mirror, wanted to fall apart at how I look, felt sick that the jeans were too tight, he brought me two more pairs which I dutifully tried on-they seemed to fit in the store, but wearing them now, they are a little big on me... He bought me the jeans, a Nova Scotia t shirt, and I told him enough, had to get out of that place, evilly comparing myself with great shame to the young woman in her mid riff revealing shirt, that " perfect" flat stomach i had just a year ago ,and the shroud of depression descended over my head... Well, if you suffer from any ED, you must understand how I felt.. Yet still, my friend or whatever I am to him, asked me his usual," What do you want to eat?" "X or x?" "Um..ok. "X".. So we went to this chain here in Canada ( "A&W) And they had something vegetarian so I said ok will get that... But, he didn't order anything, which sent me into a state of terror and sinful anger that he wasn't having anything. He told me he ate before. I finished it. Went " home "...(my home is not a HOME for various reasons which is a topic for another board here sorry) I didn't eat dinner. Actually I have no food in my place...right now have no kitchen...(Again, long story) and, I am broke. So yesterday around lunchtime went to a drop in for the marginalised in my community and they were very kind and welcoming...all they had left were vegan sandwiches which I was very grateful for... But then, a volunteer approached me, had noticed I had never been there before, told me about their drop in hours, meals, clothing bank etc...a good place.. But..this lady actually POINTED TO MY ABDOMEN and asked me, ARE YOU PREGNANT?!? I was mortified. But instead of telling her straight up that I am in recovery from,anorexia, which two years ago.no joke, almost k***ed me, and that when you gain weight during and after treatment for most people, that weight goes straight to your abdomen..it is your body's way of rushing to protect your organs, well...it js RUDE to ask ANYwoman," Are you pregnant?" But instead I laughed. Incredulous. And said "Uh,NO!! I am almost 50!" And of course, she didn't believe me. Nobody ever does. Even had a paramedic once looked at my healthcard and asked me,"Is this your correct birth date?" Yes, look young for my age... Met my friend later for coffee, I was annoying with my lamenting being mistaken for a young pregnant woman, very concious of that one area of my body I DESPISE... And now I feel like hiding under very large t shirts... Or even worse... Going back to heavily restricting. Stepping back on that scale...engaging in other behaviours. I feel deeply ashamed. Sad, anxious. Don't want to be seen in public. I hate myself so much, and it extends far past my body image...I just am such a horrible wretch... I am so sorry for rambling on and on...this just seems like a safe space to share my struggle... Sorry as well, for such a negative post. I do SO encourage all of you, with whatever ED you are afflicted with, whatever age you are...please dont give up. Seek help...treat yourselves with compassion. And do something nice for yourselves today. You are all of value Please believe that. Thank you for reading this novel if you have. Blessings to you all.
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